anjanasubroto's Blog

Most of us go through life always wanting more and better. Being in this state of constant desire does not coexist with peace of mind.

It is normal to want better lives for ourselves and our families, but we have to balance our goals with the cost. How much does this promotion, vacation, new purchase, cost in terms of real life? How many extra hours of stress and anxiety, now and later, go into getting it?

With the fast paced living that surrounds us it's difficult to avoid being swept in. Too many of us are rushing through our daily lives to do more and to acquire more. We are becoming less interested in our fellow humans as friends and more as competitors as we try to keep up or to possess more material goods.

There is a big push in this social direction by corporations and their marketers. They are in business to make money for their managements and shareholders, so this will likely continue if there is not much resistance. Advertising is a powerful persuasion to buy things we may not need or maybe not even really want. The overall success of marketing has created a want addiction for many consumers.

As more and more we come to falsely regard material gains as success we are missing out on the true values of life. Money really is quite necessary in our lives, but its value should not be worshiped. The good things in life are free, life itself, friendship, nature. Whatever we do possess, in the end we must leave it all behind.
 
"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life, which is required to be exchanged for it immediately or in the long run." - Henry Thoreau (1817-1862)

A certain amount of humility is helpful in moving on through the stages of life. It gives us a realistic approach to interacting with other people in our lives.

Sometimes competing with others or stressing ourselves to prove that we are better, can be a lot of fun and provide enjoyment and rewards. Friendly competition with friends, when all are participating with goodwill, is entertaining. There is a downside in trying to win or achieve more just for the sake of feeling superior to another person. The result can be a loss of much needed self-esteem in the long run.

"There is nothing noble in being superior to some other person. True nobility is being superior to your former self." - Hindu Proverb

Accepting that we made a mistake puts it behind us, and we can then quit pretending or wishing that it hadn't happened. We should realize that we make mistakes just as others do, and we will make more in the future. So there's no need to be embarrassed or worried.

"A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is by saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday." - Alexander Pope (1688-1744)

By not acting better or more important than other people we will receive respect and friendship that is so worthwhile. Over-confidence can get us into trouble as we will appear conceited, and prospective friends will be wary. But have respect for yourself and take pride in doing good things.

"He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals." - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)  

A good balance of humility and self-confidence is an ideal way to exist.

Stress is predominant in our society. Most of us are running here, running there, doing something at high speed, seldom relaxing. And they thought they were living busy lives a hundred years ago!

"This strange disease of modern life with its brisk hurry and divided aims." - Matthew Arnold (1822-1888)

To improve upon this stressful way of life we can reassess our values and routines. If possible, we can eliminate some of those things which are not necessary to a contented life, and we can slow down. Achieving a stress free way of life will help keep us healthier and living longer and make our time here a lot more fun.  

You can often visualize your way out of tension by picturing yourself in a very calm, peaceful, serene setting, in complete easy control. Picture it clearly and hold on to it. You can use your imagination in many different ways to help siphon off tensions - when at the bathroom sink or in the shower, let all your worries, stresses, anxieties, run down the drain with the dirty soapy water.  

When you start to feel stress coming on, immediately try relaxing the muscles and fill your mind with thoughts of peace, tranquility, confidence, strength, happiness. Repeat these and other calming words to yourself now and again. Take notice of, and enjoy your surroundings all through the day. Look at, listen to, smell the limitless variety of things natural everywhere.

Make a determined effort to please someone. Offer help, agree, smile. This is much easier than trying to impress others, or trying to be perfect. Thinking of, and interacting with others, can be very soothing on the nerves, particularly if you expect no credits.   

"The American over-tension and jerkiness and breathlessness and intensity and agony of expression are primarily social, and only secondarily physiological, phenomena. They are bad habits, nothing more or less, bred of custom or example, born of imitation of bad models and the cultivation of false personal ideals." - William James (1842-1910)

We are all faced with problems throughout our lives, some are small, others huge. Depending on how we deal with them, they can be overwhelming and devastate our lives, or they can quickly fade into the past.

Attitude plays a big role. With a difficult personal or work undertaking, consider all viewpoints, even those you think you don't like. It just might provide relief from your fearful analysis of the situation. Don't oversize the problem which is often a panic reaction. Discuss the actions that you could take with a friend or co-worker which can sometimes provide a good suggestion and some instant stress relief.

Lay out a procedure and slowly complete the first task. The next steps should be easier. Often we will keep on worrying after the decisions are made, which of course is of no help at all. If everything that can be done has been done then it's time to follow through.

"Our plans miscarry if they have no aim. When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind." Lucius Seneca (3-65)

Rejection can be an unpleasant experience, but it just lets us know that we aren't perfect. Who is? Consider it a lesson learned, then forget it and move on with your life in a positive constructive manner.

To help solve a difficult problem or to cut down on worrying about making a decision, analyze the situation, determine what must be done and carry it out. In writing or on your PC:

Get all the facts.
Describe the problem in detail.
List all the possible solutions.
List the advantages and disadvantages of each.
Detail what you will do.
Follow through.

You have detailed the planning and know that you will proceed in a certain way, but will review it as required. Later. Now it's time to think other thoughts.

"What we have to learn to do, we learn by doing." - Aristotle (BC)

Most of us experience anger at one time or another. Others may get angry with us, justifiably or not. We may become angry at others, sometimes with very good reason, sometimes not. One thing is for sure, it is not a pleasant experience.

We cannot always reason with those that are bitter towards us and sometimes we may need to accept that it exists. To counteract this with retaliation is something that needs careful consideration.

"Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved." - Marcus Antonius

Perhaps we are guilty of hostility more than we would like to be. Greater interaction with people should reduce these feelings. Less anger should result in more confidence and less stress.

Is a discussion possible and is it worthwhile? A few words and an exchange of viewpoints might result in one or both sides having a change in attitude. Try to see another point of view no matter how unreasonable it appears.

Consider how you are feeling. It is common, perhaps good advice, to let anger be expressed, to not hold it inside. My personal experience is that sometimes I have regretted this because I was wrong or over reacted. Sometimes the anger still lingered. Avoiding anger in the first place, through conciliation or acceptance, can result in feeling better all around.

Hatred is a prolonged anger towards a fellow human. There are various forms of hatred, motivated in different ways, and mostly without cause. Prejudice, jealousy, gossip, bullying are hard to deal with. This is where friends can be a great help in trying to understand these harmful actions. They can offer comfort and foresight. Be a friend.

"Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame." - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)

Kindness to others is usually a rewarding experience, both to the recipient and the giver. When we are kind to someone we do not need to be thanked since we are instantly rewarded.

"When you are good to others, you are best to yourself." - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

Doing a favor or showing understanding and compassion just feels good. To do so for praise or other benefit is more of a trade and does not have the same effect. To be kind without taking credit for it is a true unselfish act of goodness. Not only are we performing a kindness, but we are doing ourselves a big favor by reducing our stresses and improving our well being.

"The measure of a person's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out." - Thomas Macaulay (1800-1859)  

Many philosophers and others have stated this important relationship between our feelings toward others and the way we feel. By thinking of other people, we get our thoughts away from ourselves. This is particularly helpful if we find that we are too often occupied with self-pity, anger, or anxieties. It can work miracles.

Charity is more than a tax deduction.

"If you lend money, it is uncertain whether you shall be repaid; but if you bestow alms, although they may be small, your return will be a hundred fold." - Saskya Pandita (1182-1251)  

So do yourself a favor and be kind every day.   

"Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead." - Scottish Proverb

Everyone says, "How the time flies." The days go by and they are years, and the years finally become our whole life. Each daily portion can be wasted, or it can be a pleasure, before it is gone forever. If a bedtime review of the day concludes that we were too stressed, too busy, didn't accomplish anything, didn't have any fun, then it has been another lost piece of precious life.

Perhaps we are putting off our enjoyment until we have more time, or money, or some other improved condition. The trouble with that is that it might never happen, or it may be too long in coming.  It's so important to accept this time, this very minute, as something of tremendous value that will very soon be gone forever. There are many ways to ensure that we make the best of our time here on earth.

In our daily routine let's include time to enjoy others and thus ourselves. Look and wonder at the trees, fields and mountains, smell the flowers, hear the birds, and watch the clouds in the sky.

"This world, after all our science and sciences, is still a miracle; wonderful, magical and more, to whosoever will think of it." - Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)

Face your problems bravely, confidently, and improve on your situation, no matter what state it be in. Be good to feel good. Be active and improve your mind. Laugh, relax, and sleep well.

Life is mostly froth and bubble;
Two things stand like stone:
Kindness in another's trouble,
Courage in our own. - Adam Gordon (1833-1870)

Interacting amiably with family and friends is a super stress reducer. Instead of the mind working overtime on worries and problems, it is occupied with thoughts of other things and other people. There is less mental capacity left for anxieties and self-doubt.

"Friendship improves happiness and abates misery by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief." - Marcus Cicero (BC)

Good friendship is healthy but it isn't easy for everyone. Getting people to like you is the starting point, and that should be fairly easy to do. People have a basic need to be liked themselves. Show interest, appreciation, and kindness. Smile. Praise given out sincerely is a great act of friendship. Be a good listener and try to see the good, not the bad qualities in people. These actions will usually be returned to you, sooner or later.

"The only way to have a friend is to be one. . . A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud."  - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

As a friend, try to let an unfavorable incident or remark fly right over the top of your head. We all blurt out something stupid or do something regrettable at times, and it's so nice when the other acts as if it never happened. This is a dear friend.

"The rule of friendship means there should be mutual sympathy between them, each supplying what the other lacks and trying to benefit the other, always using friendly and sincere words." - Buddha (BC)

Lack of self-esteem is a fairly common personal trait found in various segments of our society, with young and old. It can hold back our progress, put us under extreme stress, and make us feel generally bad about life.

It may have been building inside us for many years with the aid of bad thinking. Fortunately bad thinking can be replaced with good thinking. Whenever self-doubt creeps in, quickly replace your thoughts with a good image of yourself and your actions.

"A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms against himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it." - Alexandre Dumas (1802-1870)  

Be happy being yourself! It is much better to be you than to pretend to be someone else. We should accept that we are just human beings and forget trying to be perfect in the eyes of others. If those who are not superstars are cast out it will be a very empty world.

"The finest lives, in my opinion, are those who rank in the common model, and with the human race, but without miracle, without extravagance." - Michel de Montaigne (1553-1592)  

Speaking out can be one of the most difficult things to do when bogged down with self-doubt. Some things to consider trying: Stop criticizing yourself. Don't be too careful about what you are going to say - just say it. Don't be too critical of others, and let people know that you feel friendly toward them. When you are stuck in a wordless situation don't worry about it. Relax, smile. Many others are in this boat with you, at other times and places.

Improving our lives in other ways will make it that much easier to improve our self-esteem. Try to eliminate worry, anger and stress by learning more about them. Work on positive enhancements to your life like friendship, relaxation, meditation, and purpose.  As with any serious personal health problem consider consulting a health professional.

There are various kinds of love with even more definitions of each. One popular version might be described as the desire for two people to spend their lives together, with a continuing compassion for each other through good and bad times.

Joseph Addison (1672-1719) puts it quite nicely this way: "Two persons who have chosen each other out of all the species with a design to be each other's mutual comfort and entertainment have, in that action, bound themselves to be good-humored, affable, discreet, forgiving, patient, and joyful, with respect to each other's frailties and perfections, to the end of their lives."

Of course it isn't always easy because conflicts about ideas, choices and habits arise. Some of these conflicting situations are easy to overlook while others can be very annoying, upsetting, and continual. Some personal mannerisms of one may never suit those of the other, and compromise cannot always be reached. Parting ways might seem inevitable, but often relaxing and rethinking the whole picture can result in a positive turn.

For example, many difficulties in a friendship, including marriage, can be put to the back by the simple act of resignation. By accepting certain personal conditions as permanent, they will somehow become more acceptable. Eventually the conflicting ideas may not be much of an issue, thanks to resignation. This leaves more room for mutual contentment and fondness.

Has the other's point of view been considered earnestly? How about a commitment to doing things that are basically unfavorable if it will improve the relationship? What are the other's favorable traits and conditions that are being overlooked? Nobody has to be perfect!

"If you wished to be loved, love." - Lucius Seneca

Faith is defined as having complete confidence, trust and belief. For a strong and rewarding journey through life we should have a generous amount of faith. Faith in ourselves, our families and friends, our God.

"Have faith, hope, and charity. That's the way to live successfully." - 1950's song.

Believe in yourself, a unique individual having personal preferences and talents. Have a deep belief that your days will be completed as you wish and imagine they will. This has a very strong and positive influence on your actions. It is just the opposite of feeling anxious and worried that you will fail. This is not a guarantee, but an excellent advantage working in your favor, available for every occasion and for life itself.   

"It's faith in something and enthusiasm for something that makes life worth living." - Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)  

Believe in your fellow human beings. They are special people with special problems, different lives and backgrounds, different beliefs. Live by the golden rule, expressed in many different ways in other cultures and religions. That is basically - treat others the way you would like to be treated.  A time proven way to feel better about our lives and the road ahead.  

Religion has long been recognized as a comforting haven in a stormy environment. It can provide comfort for the harshness and hardships encountered in our modern hectic lives. Faith is of special importance to us when we are down. It picks us up and gives us confidence.

"Religion gives me a new zest for life, it gives me faith, hope, and courage. It banishes tensions, anxieties, fears, and worries. It gives purpose to my life - and direction." - William James (1842-1910)